Friday, November 6, 2009

Judgmental, Smug, Sanctimonious ME

I'm sorry my dear blogger friends, that I have fallen behind on my blog. We have an anniversary celebration coming up at church this weekend, and I am quite literally, pooped.

I'm not sure that I have all brain cells on deck, so keep that in mind if you continue reading!

A topic on my mind lately is judgment. I read a lot of blogs, and participate in a few blogging communities. I am amazed at what people consider being judgmental. I am not a politically correct person. I will share my beliefs, and I will back it up with scripture, if the topic is a religiously motivated one. I speak in the very same way other places, as I do on my blog.

BUT I am judgmental. Oh yes, I've also been referred to as sanctimonious, (my personal fave) smug, naive, a Bible beater, and many other things I cannot type here.

You know what though? It's all good. I can handle it, because I know the truth.

We all have problem areas in our Christian walk, and I know that I use to have a problem with being judgmental. However, with the help of my Savior, who saved me from eternal judgment, I have been able to overcome it. God did something huge in my life, to help me with my judgment problem.

He called my husband as pastor of a church, and I became a pastor's wife.

Talk about scary. I was pregnant with my second child at the time. I had just turned 29, and though that may sound old enough, it did not seem like it at the time.

To say it was hard would be a HUGE understatement. My husband took the pastorate, 5 weeks later our second son was born. Seven months after that, I was expecting again. When our daughter was born, we had 3 children age 3 and under. I had 2 babies at the same time. My youngest two were only 15 months apart.

Life was C.R.A.Z.Y.

I struggled daily to juggle being the mommy and housewife, as well as a teacher at church, the pastor's wife, a children's church helper, and I'm sure many other things I have since forgotten. And I did all of this while nursing 2 babies that would NOT drink a bottle. Ever.

I felt so out of my element, vulnerable, weak. . .like a failure. I know that I did so many things wrong. I was late to church a LOT, and we lived right next door to the church. How is that even possible you ask? Trust me, it's very possible. There were times that it seemed no matter how hard I tried, I failed.

I faced a lot of judgment in those first few years. I know a lot of it my husband kept from me, so I would never know about it. Bless him for that! But there was plenty of judgment to my face, so believe me when I say that, I know what it is like to be judged, harshly.

A lot of it is too personal and way too painful to make public. But I will tell of one instance that has always been hard for me to let go of.

I had two sons, and then was thrice blessed with a daughter. I bought her shoes. I liked baby girl shoes, and she had several pair. I had some given to me at a baby shower I was given. Some were given to me by a friend. And there were some that I bought myself. . .all second hand.

I was told that she had too many shoes, and that I needed to not buy so many. I was also told that she would grow out of them fast.


After the above comments, I got sick to my stomach every time it was time to go to church. I was worried about what I bought for my daughter. I felt like I had to justify everything. She was the first granddaughter on either side of the family, so there were no hand me downs. Almost all of my friends had had boys, so no hand me downs there either. I had a few things from a wonderful friend, but my little girl was a big baby, and quickly outgrew the things we had.

I cried a lot the first 5 years.

But, God did a wonderful thing in my heart, through it all. I called on him to heal my heart, to help me forgive, and to help me grow from my experiences. My husband has now been in the pastorate for almost 7 years. We have both grown up in ways we never would have otherwise. For me personally, God has shown me things about Himself, and He has used my husband, as my pastor, speaking truth to my heart.

I am so thankful for what God has done in and through me. I am thankful he allowed me to be judged, to have the experiences I've had. It is because of those experiences that I have learned not to be a judgmental person. I know how badly it hurts to be wrongly accused, and I do not EVER want to make someone else feel that way.

However, if speaking God's truth in love makes me judgmental, sanctimonious, smug, and naive to some, I am A OKAY with that!

I have also learned that it is not the opinion of others that should concern me. What should concern me, is what my Savior thinks of me, how He feels about my life. Only Jesus knows my heart. And since what is in my heart is the only thing that matters, that is what I will concern myself with.

Once again, Christ has made me FREE to be ME!

Ya want to know what ME did, when no one was looking? I'll tell you, as long as you promise to keep it a secret. Ya know. . .just between us.

On Monday night of this week, I was at the church vacuuming the auditorium. I had my 6 year old son with me. Do you know how much there is to do in an auditorium, while your mom is working?

Not much, really.

UNLESS. . .your mom turns a blind eye while you jump off of the stairs, zigzag between pews, play the kettle drum, play the piano, and check out the balcony. If this is the case, well then, there is PLENTY to do.

After all, his daddy did just preach last Sunday on Psalms 33.

Psalms 33:3 states:

Sing unto him a new song; play skilfully with a loud noise.

There was for sure a loud noise. As for skill, he's still working on that!

Praise God that no matter what I struggle with, no matter how flawed I am, God saved a wretch like me.



James Welch said...

I got to hear a little of Jackson's first recital on the phone. I'm sure the angels in Heaven were in chorus!

Jackiedlc said...

awe Susan i am soooooo glad you posted this.. Not only do i agree 100% but it allows me to know of you and look foward to learning lots of great things from you :)

God Bless you...

I am blessed! said...

I, too, am a pastor's wife. We are blessed with a wonderful, non-judgemental group of people, but I was so afraid of this life in a fishbowl. I'm so glad that I'm able to just be myself with our church and that they put up with me and our 5 kids. In fact, everyone seems to genuinely love our kids. Last Sunday our 3 yr old blurted out the answer to a rhetorical question during the sermon and everyone laughed. At least he was paying attention, right?